Not at ALL satisfied

Here we go with this shit again,
seems like I'm in constant battle & I ain't ever gonna win.

Fuck u & that bitch ur with,
clearly you two niggas ain't with the shit.

you think I give a damn about what you think of me?
I'm livin' la vida loca, Shavonna is so care free.

Riding Solo ??

Trying ti slowly move away from what has felt right for a minute, and wrong for so long .
How do I separate myself from the person that I have been deeply involved with? Do I even want to do that? I know that I told myself to stop listening to my heart because she can be biased, but it's hard not to listen when she makes valid points! I do want to follow my mind, but then again, she takes the logical approach to everything. Some things can't be settled with logic... at least love can't. Can it?

I know what's right, and whats wrong for me , but in this case it's backward . The wrong feels So right, and whats right seems wrong. Has me up all night, crying tears of pain, and loneliness .

No one deserves to be this unhappy though. This ... on the edge all the time. Is it time for me to move on...?? Do it movin' ?

isolation

here & there
back & forth
wrong & right...

I can no longer fight this fight, this battle, this... war.

I end up all alone, cold days, sleepness nights, w/ broken hearts.
I've been away from you, away from me... for a while.
I need to get back to loving me

Conditional Lover

you love me when you're happy.
Hate me when you don't get your way.

kick it with me in the daylight,
but when the suns down, your body does stray.

sex me when you're horny
& emotional when your vulnerable

If I were to go out & screw a man tonight, would you still love me the same?
Or would you revoke ur love, like this is some type of game?

You see, I know you , and EVERYTHING your about,
and my friend, your a conditional lover . ha w/o a doubt .

My boo's .

Kye smiles at me in his sleep . I love it . I love him

Jalen makes me laugh daily. I love it. I love him .

Impurity

who said that my heart wasn't supposed to feel my emotion?
Why is it that because there is no title for us, that I should remain... emotion..less?
I'm only human, and I have the right to feel .

I swear if you were to reach out & touch me right now, you'd know EXACTLY how I felt on the inside .
My soul dies every day remembering everything you've done to me, but I bring it back to life, knowing that one monkey doesn't stop the show.

I'm me... purely impure .
Deal w/ it.

cold shoulder

pssst.. hey you , yea you . I FUCKIN' HATE you . =)
good day .

You Might Think You Know ...

but truly you have no idea . How long will this charade last?
How long will you put up this front?
Why are you trying to fight my heart?
My head doesn't lie, and neither do my intuitions.
My heart on the other hand, may sway me to believe different.
That's why I stopped trusting her a long time ago.
Hearts are not to be trusted .

I hate you ; I love you

You make me sick !
So sick that I drive myself insane thinking of what you're doing .

I cant stand your face.
But everytime I see you I just want to melt & kiss you .

I wish I could slap you ,
but then I know you'd get mad & prolly wouldn't speak to me.

I hate your voice,
& when I don't hear it for a while , I begin to miss .

fuck you , I hope you burn in hell .
I love you ... come home .

Relapse

I glanced your way and immediately felt a tingle rush through my entire body .
Uncontrollable, irresistible feelings started to cloud my mind.
I know you are soo wrong for me, yet you feel soo right.
A dose of you & I'll be lifted for days.
Nothing has ever made me feel like this, nothing has ever felt so incredibly good.

I turn away to try and avoid temptation, but you've got me wide open
I've been clean from you for a while & I'm doing well
you always find ur way back to me, always have kept my nose WIDE open
looks like I'm back at it.
Addicted to you again,
even if your affection is temporary .
I got it bad.

Reality Is...

Haven't logged on here enough to give my followers a daily dose of me so this post might sum up my life in the last year .

Feels like I've been through hell & back with this man , my friend, my enemy. I don't even know what to refer to him as at this moment. So many things have transpired between us, im not sure what is to become of "us" . I still love him with everything I have, but with that being said , if me loving him so hard is pushing him away, I guess I have to let him go & let him do what he loves ... right ? Isn't love supposed to allow me some type of peace of mind? Serenity ? Am I supposed to give up this love that I've been fighting for? All the work that I've done with this man so that someone else can reap the benefits ? I mean, I guess if it isn't me with whom he wants to be, then I can't keep him anyway. ughhhhh
Let me start over, this just seems like a bunch of mumble jumbo... so the father of my unborn son & I are no longer together. =(
It sucks, but life does go on. We do not even speak to each other on a regular basis. What type of ish is that ? I feel as though the most important thing a man can do for the mother of his child is love & or respect her, and I don't feel as if that man does either of those things . Shitty situation but such is life. What does one person do though, when they are in a situation like my own? Give up, and just let be what will be? Or fight for what I think is mine? I'm truly conflicted & it hurts my head to think about this on a daily basis. hmm, I don't know, but what I do know, is that I need to find myself a good church so I can go to God & pray about it.

There is nothing like.. THE REAL

how is it that you claim to be grown, but yet you have to sneak around, and do everything behind everyones back? How "adult" is that ? I can't really call it, but it has been proven to me that the ones who talk the most, have the weakest bite. The ones who claim to have the "I dont give a fuck" attitude are the ones who care the most . Whatever happened to keeping it real? If not with others, then at LEAST with yourself. How will you know who you truly are if you're hiding behind all of these lies?? C'mon with every year that passes by, we do nothing but get older. We should be maturing, but that doesn't hold truth w/ everyone. I'm just looking for the real... who has it ? Where is it ?? Can you find it for me please ?

Where's the love?

Why is it that it takes sooo much for a woman to get so little appreciation? Men get everything handed to them on a silver platter, as far as monetary, and material things are called for. From 2 different sources, their women & their mothers . Men who barely have to do anything to work for these things are very unappreciative. Women have to work 10 times harder to get something out of a man. He may purchase her a meal, but it will not go beyond that. She has to be a 10 ever time she steps out of the house, she has to obey to everything, she has to give him his way. suck & fuck on the regular & maybe just MAYBE will she get a thank you of some sort. I'm sick of this type of treatment. Usually our payment or our "gifts" from men is hard dick. Hmmmm well I'm tired of this, maybe if women start to cut men off, and raise their standards men wouldn't be able to do anything BUT rise to those standards. --just a thought .

The Man behind "the man"

I'm starting to realize something about these so called "men". They can never tell the truth, and if they do find themselves telling the truth, it's their version of the truth. Which always includes a little white lie. I just don't understand it , I mean how could you possibly have a good woman in front of your face, and not be inspired to do her right? Treat her with the most utmost respect? WHAT is it that women have to do in order to be respected, and actually get some type of REAL respect? Don't tell me that you love me when you know you creep @ night . Don't tell me that you love me, if I am not the only one. & Don't tell me that you love me.... if indeed you really DON'T. I would really like to know when these BOYS are going to grow up & become men . Young men , decent men, respectable men. I don't know, but ladies need to stop adding to the problem & letting these kids get their way, and stop making excuses for these young lads. I know I was a fool for one time too many, but I've got to grow beyond that . If become a righteous, and respectable woman means for me to leave clowns in the dust, then that's just what I will do. Now this blog does not pertain to everyone... but for most, it's for you .
Don't be offended ... just take it as advice, and grow the hell up

Lessons In Life

You can never trust a man who tells you 'trust me'. You need to run far far away from him. What he is saying with that statement is that 'I am dangerous, and I will heart your feelings. I need you to trust me, in order for me to do those things to you.' A real man should never have to plead his case, or feel like he needs to tell you anything extra for you to KNOW that your heart is secure with him.

You cannot trust every guy you meet, hell every person for that matter . DON'T trust them until they have proven themselves trustworthy. If you find yourself sneaking and looking through his call logs, and text messages, chances are he's not to be trusted . (OR you're just a really insecure bitch)

Love yourself, and trust yourself FIRST before you run out, and give your all to a man.